- but Shlitt Lips seems to be bigger than Ben Hur in Melbourne cricket circles at the moment.  I have even had letters from fans all the way out there in Mulgrave.  Bonjour to all my Russian friends.  It’s great to see ethnic minorities embracing our great game. Who knows, we might even get Sri Lankan players at the club soon! Wouldn’t that be great?

I have even done something new in this anticipated edition and taken a request. It is from a Mrs Selma Mack of West Doveton,

Dear Mr Lips,
My son Stuart is the fastest bowler in Victoria and he has lots of fans in the housing commission units out here in the suburbs.  He is a street fighting battler who has made good out of his life.  I am currently teaching street kids at the Dandenong Centrelink how to use computers and the internet.  Could you interview Stuart for them and send a special cheerio to young Wok who is doing really well with his rehab.
Love Selma xoxox

Stuart Mack

I caught up with Stuart Mack at the C & F café on Chapel St in early October.

Smack: “Yeah mate sell those 1000 units to the Japanese conglomerate and close that deal with Gutnik before the Hang Seng turns into a bull market.” Sorry Schlitz, just talking on my new Blackberry. How are you mate? Sorry I’m late, caught in a meeting.

Lips: Thanks for gracing me with your presence. What can I get you?

Smack: Bottle of Perrier and a plate a brusicitta on Rye.

Lips: Interesting choice for a boy from the hood.

Smack: Ssshhh, not around here mate someone might be listening.  Sure I have done well, look at me, it’s obvious, but I don’t want people around here to know where I came from.  Sure I have a couple of scars from street fights but I just tell girls they are from bull fighting in Mexico.  I was there on business last year.

Lips: Whatever Homes.  You may have pulled the wool over a few of the PCC boys but I know what you’re really about.  I now that you have nicknamed yourself, Velvet Chocolate’ due to your dark features and thinking you are smooth with the ladies.

Smack: Mate, don’t be like that.  You have seen my car, you have seen my clothes, and you have seen the bottled premium beer I drink at Nightclubs.  I am pretty smooth.  I am the Australian version of Will Smith…………smooth.  Just like Velvet Chocolate.

Lips: OK Velvet, tell me about your new job.

Smack: I work for a company that manufacture and import mobile micro entertainment systems.

Lips: You sell MP3 players.

Smack: Correct

Lips: You are often in China on business, what happens over there?

Smack: I check that the production is going as it should be and the goods are up to standard.

Lips: Anything else you want to tell the readers about what you really get up to over there.

Smack: I know what you are getting at Constable and before you ask, it is not my fault they don’t carry proof of age cards with them.  How was I supposed to know how old she was!

Lips: That’s not the half of it mate. I am about to bust your cred wide open. I have received a photo of your childhood home from an unnamed Rowville source.

Lips: What have you got to say about that, Pimp Daddy.

Smack: CLARKE!!!!

Lips: Busted Velvet.  I also have some other info on you. Your first girlfriends name was Tracey, your first car was a Datsun 120Y and you worked at Dimmeys Dandenong as a stock boy for 3 years.

Smack: This interview is over.

Lips: I’ll get the bill shall I Velcro?

Smack: It’s Velvet.

Schlit Lips page <click here>