UNCERTAIN F***EN FUTURE FOR WILD

 By Dirty Sanchez

Doctors, using breakthrough technology, will this week make one last ditch effort to help young Prahran batsman James Wild overcome his battle with Tourette’s syndrome. Tourette’s syndrome affects around 1 in 200 people and it was only two years ago that James was diagnosed with the disease. It was first noticed by his close friends at the Prahran Cricket Club several years ago as they observed poorly timed obscenities pour out of the mouth of the talented right hander. Initially, brushed off as nothing more serious than the odd awkward moment and bad timing, the attacks seemed to be too frequent and uncontrolled to be voluntary. Wildy, as he is affectionately referred to by his friends, sought medical assistance at the end of 2004. Doctors discovered James was suffering from Tourette’s and instantly created a plan to assist him in managing the unfortunate illness, however none of the treatments have given him any relief. James is now finding it difficult to work, socialise and participate in teams sports as he is often mistakenly misinterpreted resulting in strained relationships.

James’ last hope rests with a new technology created by Dr. Hector Mendez, a Mexican born doctor whose previous medical experience includes 10 years as head veterinarian for the Cuban Civil Guard Cavalry and 2 years as Fidel Castro’s beard advisor. Dr. Mendez, now based in Los Angeles, California, has combined instruments used in laser eye surgery and inguinal hernia repair to create a revolutionary ‘ray gun’ to correct the affected area of the brain. Dr. Mendez says, with a heavy Mexican accent through a thick moustache, that not only is the technology new and therefore untested but there is also another barrier in accurately pin pointing the affected part of the brain as James’ brain is “unusually small”. James will fly out to Los Angeles to Dr. Mendez’s surgery, a building which he shares with a chorizo factory, to undergo the surgery at the end of this cricket season. Until then James would appreciate if you covered your children’s ears when they are around him or even better yet don’t let them near him. Good luck James from all the people here at the Sledger.

 

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