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Clarke: That is correct. Suspiscions were first raised when I came back from off season sporting what I like to refer to as ‘My Badboys’.
Reporter: Badboys?
Clarke: You know…..the Gun Show? Two tickets?
Reporter: You are meaning your biceps?
Clarke: Right on. The ladies love them. Let me show you what I mean – Girls, you better sit down. (Flexes his biceps and his shirt flys off in a shower of sparks. The gathered press gasp in amazement. A woman moans with delight at the back of the hall). Anyone got some grease?
Reporter: Mr Clarke – that won’t be necessary.
Clarke: How ‘bout I dance then? You gotta see me dance! (Clicks his fingers and ‘It’s raining men’ starts blaring. Smoke Machine fills the room and strobe light flickers. Clarke completes a dance routine where he kisses his biceps no fewer than 12 times, and rubs himself. The commotion dies down as Clarke retakes his seat)
Reporter: Mr Clarke, if we could get back on the topic please?
Clarke: I believe we were just about to find out which one of these fine females would like to rub some lotion in the motion of my ocean……if you know what I mean!
Reporter: Mr Clarke I do not know what that means – now did you take drugs or do you have another explanation for the positive test?
Clarke: Fine. I deny positively never not taking drugs ever again.
Reporter: You never not what?
Clarke: That’s correct.
Reporter: Whats correct?
Clarke: You love my guns. You want to touch them.
Reporter: Mr Clarke that has nothing to do with the doping controversy.
Clarke: You’re a dope.
Reporter: ………………….
Clarke: …………………..
Reporter:………Right. How do you respond to allegations that you have lost……size…….due to the drugs you have allegedly been taking?
Clarke: I respond like this. My thumping roger is still the same size as it always has been. Did someone say Horse? (Clarke makes a horse ‘Neighing’ sound, and winks at a giggling female fan. She shyly looks away)
Clarke: Look. Me and my badboys have gots to buzz. Its been a pleasure clearing this whole controversy up. I’m really glad you got to see my biceps. Whats that? (Silence) You want to watch me do some push ups? (Silence) Allright then! You asked for it!!! (‘Its raining men’ kicks back in as Clarke greases himself up liberally, then pumps out 50 push ups. With women eagerly clawing at his shirtless torso, Clarke wades his way through the teeming throng, and exits the press conference) | 
