The Boy who Cried Dingo

Andrew Hubbard delves into his backpack and suddenly dry retches. It's not last Thursdays Jukes Hot Dogs that trigger the uni students reaction, it's the kilo of dingo excrement he has nestled in his hands. "I'm glad you can smell how much this sh!t stinks like sh!t" he says with a scowl. Dingoes, indeed, should be ashamed of themselves. But on this occasion, faeces from no other animal will do. Acquired from a private zoo, the dingo do do is about to be used as bait - dingo bait.

If Hubbard is to be believed, a dingo has been meandering the inner city streets of suburbs such as Moorabbin and Elsternwick for years. While the creature - and those who have seen it (namely Hubbard) - remains the subject of widespread amusement at his local Cricket Club, he has no doubt the animal exists. ‘Yeah people give me a lot of sh!t and stuff about it, but I know what I have seen you know? I say – F&*k them.’

Michael Schmidt, head Species Biologist at Melbourne Zoo disagrees with Hubbard. "We've studied all the evidence and, based on what he says he has seen, particularly the creature's tail which was apparently ‘fluffy and sh!t’, it sounds to me as though it's most likely a domestic housepet, as opposed to a dingo. I am thinking probably a Golden Retriever or a Kelpy. Dingoes as a species simply do not mix with humans. They are found mainly in desert regions, but also can be found in wet or dry forest habitats. Does Inner Melbourne have any deserts?”.

As for how it got here? Hubbard theorises: “Well………. It could have swum from the outback – straight up the Murray River. I’m sure they could swim. Like once when I dropped our pet labrador in the bath – like when it was a baby and sh!t, he swam for at least 10 mins before he sunk to the bottom – and he was only a puppy!”.

Since an official "Moorabbin Dingo Database" was launched by Hubbard seven years ago, the site has registered 3 hits – lending serious doubt to the validity of Hubbards claims. “Yeah I don’t care about that” Hubbard vehemently states. “Poochy is real. That’s what I call him. We are mates!”.

The problem, of course, is that while the mysterious creature mysteriously continues to pop up only for Hubbard to see, he has never landed the sort of indisputable evidence that would prompt David Attenborough to book the first flight to Sydney.

When asked if he considered the creature to be a danger to children, he replies: "It's big. I'd be concerned for anyone if they caught it on a bad day. Not me though, I would kickbox it to the head and sh!t if it came at me sideways."

And the handful of poo??? “Well, I’m gonna lay this pile of turd from a chick dingo down in front of my house. Then the bloke dingo is going to smell it, and think to himself ‘Oooh there is a good looking lady in my hood – I want some sex’. So he will come looking for the poop so that he can have sex with the chick dingo who isn’t really there. But waiting in the bushes will be me. The Hubb. And I will be all like ‘’Sup dingo? Your arse is mine’……but not like that. I’m not a poof – and neither is the dingo.

Whether or not Hubbard will find the evidence he craves and vindicates his outlandish claims remains to be seen. For the time being at least, the legend of the Moorabbin Dingo will remain just that.