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Date: Sunday, 3 December 2006
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Author: Neil Schlittler
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Letters To The Editor
We received just one letter to the editor this month so we thought we would enlist the help of long time Prahran cricketer and club clown Neil Schlitter to answer it.
Dear Ed,
I have been having a few issues down at the club lately. It is all due to my unfortunate ailment – baldness. You see the lads have been making lots of fun of me when I take my cap off – but what they don’t realise is……it hurts. Some of the ‘funny’ comments that have been aimed my way include:
- Hey bald dude, can I borrow your towel?
- You going for a Parma tonight Chrome Dome?
- Can I give you a combover? (as they rudely reach for my hair to actually give me a combover)
I just don’t get it. I mean I didn’t ask for this disability – and it is a disability. Why can’t the players just show a little more understanding and sympathy for my position? Would it be asking too much to be told once every now and again that ‘You have lovely hair’ or ‘Your hair is looking extremely full and bouncy today’. Why all the negativity?
Ed, I guess I am looking for a couple of things:
- Some witty comebacks that will flummox the would be bald joke maker.
- Some advice on innovative and cutting edge hair growth techniques – I will try anything at this point.
- Some compliments to make me feel good about myself.
Yours in confusion and outrage,
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
I whole heartedly sympathize with what you are going through. I suffer from a similar dibilating disease. Obesity. My mates rip into me in exactly the same way they rip into you. We must have the same mates who recycle their jokes. Just in the last week I have heard.
Hey fat dude, can I borrow your towel, or is that a bed sheet!
Are you going for a parma tonight fatty or are you going to have a menu with sauce!
I am about to go out to bat, can I rub your tummy for luck?
But enough about me, im here to help you. Some suggestions I can make are;
- Keep your hat on at all times. Hide your baldness. It is hideous. That’s why ugly girls wear make up and I wear baggy t-shirts.
- Use Garnier Fructis. The TV ad says it adds luster and bounce. Sure it’s a few $ more than Pert 2 in 1, but it might be worth a try
- Buy a razor and some craft glue. Then shave unwanted hair from other parts of your body and attach it to your head. The ladies will love the result both upstairs and downstairs if you know what I mean.
In response to some witty comebacks you can use, May is suggest the following.
‘I know you are but what am I’
‘It’s a solar panel for a sex machine’
‘I just want to look like Willow’
‘I am entering a George Costanza look-alike contest’
In response to your request to suggest some hair growth options I have done some research on a product called Demoxinyl. Homer used it on an episode of The Simpson’s and it seemed to work well for him. Why would you want to waste hormones growing hair when they can be utilized in much ‘productive ways?’
Hang in there my bald mate. You will be fine. Think of all the money you are saving on shampoo and hair products. On those hot summer days you are never going to hat hair from batting too long and fly’s are going to want to hatch their nits on other hairy guys. All men are going to go bald one day. You have just got yours over and done with early. Think of it like losing your virginity.
Hang in there buddy. I thought Sinead O’Conner was hot.
If you have any letter you want to send to the editor please send them to prahransledger@hotmail.com | 
